2019 was a weird year.
I spent a large proportion of it staring into the bottom of a beer can. I was deeply unhappy with who I was and what I was and wasn’t doing. I hated the world and everything in it. Everything was wrong and it needed to change. I was angry and I demanded answers. I was clawing for them, grasping wildly for anything that would help.
I was hunting for a clear path from despair to happiness. A simple route map to lead me through life. I felt like it should be easy. I raged against myself for being too dumb to define it. Needless to say, I didn’t find any answers. The only thing I found was an ever increasing sense of misery, helplessness and stupidity.
Everything suffered. The fear, self-loathing, worthlessness and depression skyrocketed. When I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they did. I was having trouble forming logical solutions to the simplest of problems. I was finding it hard to string sentences together.
Whatever this was, coupled with an almost constant state of hangover, I found myself in a very dark place. I was in a complete state of collapse. After a while it almost felt normal. I was so far down the rabbit hole I couldn’t see the way out. Rinse and repeat. Each day a little worse than the last. Trapped in an ever shrinking box. I started to get thoughts about checking out entirely.
It was 3:15pm on a Saturday afternoon in September. I was staggering around my house failing miserably at trying to find the beer can I’d put down. For reasons beyond my explanation, that was the moment I realised that things needed to change. They say you only reach rock bottom when you stop digging. And fuck, was I done with digging.
After a few false starts, I stepped off the merry-go-round and I asked for help. This single act was the first step of my journey out of suffering.
Things have got better since then. I’ve had to learn a lot of new things and face some uncomfortable facts. I’ve had to learn to let go. Let go of procrastination, perfectionism and endless comparison. Let go of who I was and what I’d become. I’ve had to learn to live in the present and to stop wishing for things to be different than they are. I’ve had to learn that I can’t control everything. I’ve had to learn a complete new way of being.
I still don’t have the answers I was looking for, but maybe I don’t need them. It is what it is, and that’s ok. Today, on the first day of 2020, I am 100 days sober.